My sorrows they learn to swim

....Now where did I leave that off switch for my brain?!?...

Edit: If I didn't have kids and get wicked hangovers I would just curl up with some Chopin and Tom Waits and get blasted. Actually I might just do that anyway.

I'm up to feed Lola. She's been sleeping through the night about half the week now, still waking up once the rest of the time. I have mixed feelings about this. I have always been the one to get up with her and it is in the middle of the night when she falls asleep in my arms that I love. So I miss that time with her, the house quiet, dark, that kinda drowsy feeling, her snuggled into me, when she doesn't wake up. But of course I miss my sleep when she does wake up. Given a choice, I would rather her sleep, it's just interesting that I couldn't wait for Stella to sleep through the night but with Lola I have a harder time letting night feedings go. Mostly I think because I know it will be the last time to go through this with a baby.

I ran 6 miles today (Which is my longest run yet in this round of training) and a very dear dear close friend is coming to visit later this morning (it is almost 5am) so I am super excited and cannot seem to fall back asleep which also happens more often then I would like. I usually take that time to catch up on my reading, that is, when I can't sleep after feeding Lola

occassional

I have had the baby body fluid trifecta this morning:
-Lola throw up, not spit up, throw up, all over herself her bouncer and the floor
-Poopy diaper spilled and smeared at some point in the last day unbeknownst to me all over the diaper pail, needed to be cleaned ASAP.
-Stella leaked pee into her bed.

Anyway, not the point of this post...

So the neighborhood we live in is, like, well, I guess Oak Lawn in Dallas, urban, artsy, chock full of hipsters. One of the new trends lately is to wear scarfs, shawls and wraps. I love it, I have always liked wearing scarves. Anyway, the favored one seems to be the same black and white diamond/check fringed pattern one usually associates with middle-eastern terrorists. I think, correct me if I am wrong, it is widely used by Hammas. I don't really intend this to be a political post, about terrorism and such. I mean to question the integrity of people who make a fashion statement with the same symbolism associated with people who advocate the killing of innocent people in the name of God.
I really have to make an effort to stop myself from telling these kids in skinny jeans with shaggy multi-colored hair and full tattoo sleeves (How?? No way could I afford a sleeve when I was 21) who don't even believe in god, that they are wearing, as a fashion accessory something that is a widely recognized and meaningful symbol of terrorism. That in fact the most well known terrorists who come to mind, when you see this kind of scarf would happily shoot them down in a heartbeat, for the multiple offence of being American, wearing the scarf and not believing in Allah. I could shoot them for the offence of wearing skinny jeans.
Do they even know what it means, or do they just not care or is it a political anti-american statement? Umm, if you want to make a statement, vote, sign a petition, go to a protest or rally, campaign, but don't symbolicly align yourself with a group who blows up children and justifies it because they weren't Muslim.
On the other God side:
For whatever reason we were watching 'Inside Edition' last night, not really, me reading, Steve on the internet. There is a new theme park in Orlando called 'Holy Land'. Guess what the theme is? Yes that right, Jesus. They have shows and displays and, I don't know what all they have, because all I can remember is the main attraction. The twelve stations and the crucifixion. Violent and gruesome like Mel Gibson's Passion. I mean, a theme park, with families and kids and fun times and torture. "Hey kiddos lets go ride some rides, maybee play some games and watch jeebus get whipped bloody, and nailed to a cross!!"
There are images of little kids with their parents in the audience watching, crying, the voice over says :"..people moved with emotion." I think not. I have no words...I am so disgusted

Stella and I have our first mother & daughter dance class today and I so excited!!!

Seriously?!...There is an internet dating site for Goths. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is hysterical. Who knew?

Stella with all the change, Pre-school, new room, new Nanny; has regressed in her Potty Training. she is back in diapers and refuses to sit on the Potty. Lola is Teething and screaming as I type. I am surprisingly calm. I try to remind myself, all children above 5 are trained, all children eventually get their teeth.

The heat continues, and I am thankful we have AC, alot of people here in San Diego do not. We will hit the beach this weekend along with everyone else in San Diego.

Oh, and sometimes I wonder if all change is good.

did I mention Stella started pre-school this week? she did, all grown up, pics are on the website. She cries every morning when I drop her off and clings to me and it breaks my heart into ten million tiny sharp pieces. But secretly it is nice to have a break from her. Our new Nanny is part-time, so I have afternoons with Lola. So far it has been nice and that is huge accomplishment for me. I adore our new nanny, I thought our old one was great (except for the stealing and lying part); but this new one is sooooo much better.

Stella will be three in three weeks, and later this year will be mine and Steves four year anniversary. It sounds cliche, but sometimes I wonder where all that time went. I've never been in a relationship this long, and the longest I have stayed in the same house has been five years. So many things have changed for me, its hard to fathom sometimes....

Husband came home drunk. Woke up Lola. Who now will not go back to sleep. Husband passed out in home office chair, snoring loudly. Did I mention Lola won't go back to sleep? and it was my turn to sleep in tomorrow. So much for that. But I am not pissed, oh no, not at all...

I miss Europe...I want to be...Oh anywhere. Spring in Krakow, Summer on the Dalmatian Coast, maybe Croatia. Fall in Berlin, without a doubt. And, I know it would be terribly cold but Winter in London or St. Petersburg. Ahhh I can dream, no?

I have a beautiful new tattoo, my mothers day present. An Art Nouveau Lilly (for Lola) intertwined with stars (for Stella). It runs along my spine, from my mid-lower back to just beneath my neck. It took six hours...whew!

Pics tomorrow.

It was done by a most amazing guy here in San Diego, the brother of a Mommy friend. His work is phenomenal, retention, he is at Above All Tattoo on Garnet, closer to the beach, if you or anybody you know is looking for an artist...I can't give him enough praise, and I am PICKY about tattoo artists.

It will suck mucho to not be able to wear a bra for about ten days!!

It was very cathartic, for very personal and complicated reasons, it was a closure to a grieving process. I was able to let go of something today.

Drama with the ex-nanny continues...

but in wonderful news, Lola's website is now up and running: www.lolavalenti.com

I do have a strong contender for a replacement nanny, so very good.

we had to let our nanny go. she was stealing from us. her mom is very sick and they don't have insurance. so rather than ask for a loan, she stole.

this woman was a member of our family, she took care of both our girls for two years (well stella mostly) and when I was 'sick' after Lola was born, she took care of me. and with one fell swoop she is gone.

I feel like I just broke up with someone for cheating on me. my heart is broken.

So here are some pics:





that looks like her fist under her chin, its actually her foot...





She has tons of "my dad..." T-shirts, my dads rocks, my dad loves me and so on. No "my Mom...." t-shirts. I guess its a given that mommy loves her. Yeah it's true I am a little smitten.

So in cute news:


Lola is practicing sitting up, she is pretty good at it, remarkable for a 4 month old. Anyway, she fell on her side and bonked her head pretty good. howling ensued. Stella remarked: "she needs a Hello Kitty band-aid" Cause, you know, Hello Kitty band-aids solve everything...they really do, try it sometime. Stella gets the band-aid, and procedees to place it kind off center across the top of her skull. Across all that fine silky baby hair. It makes an adorable picture, I'm sure more howling will happen when it gets peeled off.

We have been touring preschools and potty-training Stella, and I am counting the days until September.

Lola is just sweet. I mean, really sweet, all babies are sweet (to some degree). But her disposition is just all over sweet. She is quiet and gentle and oh my god so what I need after Stella. As a baby Stella was (and still is) exuberant, vociferous and plain non-stop. Stella cried all the time and was hella hard to get her to sleep. When she started smiling she smiled allll the time and when she learned to giggle it was loud and delicious and all-consuming. To make up for the ear-splitting neverending screaming.
Lola is nothing like that, when she cries, it is brief and easily resolved. Her smiles are rare and extraordinary and pure golden honey sweet love. She might be mistaken for mellow, but it is not mellowness at all. She is intent and observant, and has this way of looking right into your eyes that says: "I see you, and I know exactly what is going on."

And just now, Stella put her princess crown on Lola, too fucking cute. This is why they are so friggin' cute because otherwise we would never tolerate all the crying, fussing and getting up in the middle of the night.

I really wish I had something else besides going on about besides my rugrats, but when you have to children under three, you life isn't much else.

For all you Sisters of Mercy fans out there (ilex and amyonfire) Amazon is carrying a 3 disc compilation called Merciful Release with all the rare B sides and Vinyl singles, that used to be IMPOSSIBLE to find, like 'on a wire' and 'long train'. Ohhhh I am so thrilled. Things like this make my day now. Also, I have always been amazed that Amazon wants $145 for the The Sisterhood release as well, and then I found it on ebay (of course) for around $40. Oh and I discoverd there is a bootleg out there called "some boys wander"

Course this is all on CD, which is fine, but I really regret selling my Vinyl singles...

Stella has now officialy learned to get out of her bed (which she has been doing for a while) open her door and come crawl into bed with us. She did it sometime last week for the first time and we just thought it was a fluke. It was also at around 7:30 am on a weekend morning, which may be absurdly early for most of you, but for us it is almost sleeping in.
However this morning we were awoken by a gleeful little girl crawling up between us, announcing proudly :"I'm a big girl, I got up all by myself!" Which was dreadfully cute. Except did I mention it was at 5:30 am? If she wasn't so damm pleased with herself, it would have been quite annoying. The only comforting fact is that it is rare rare rare that she wakes up that early. We get up between 6:30 and 7:00 and she is usually up at about 7:30.
Really, seriously, in our lives sleeping until 8:00 or so is a luxary.

But at the same time I can't belive it's only been three months, seems like a lifetime. Lola was born Dec. 21 via what was basically a scheduled C-section, since it was clear she was not not going to come vaginally. Then she ended up in the NICU for several days. We got to take her home on Christmas day, nice.
Since then its been a blur and having a newborn and a 2 and a half year old, is, well trying. Some days I feel like I am not going to make it, but it is getting better...so, I will try and be around more often, hope everyone is doing well.

I have been having contractions for about two weeks now, but last night they actually started hurting, it woke me up at one point. They are still not regular, but I think Lola could come any day now. I hope she waits until saturday when my Mom gets here.

Because I had so many complications last time, my OB does no want me to go past my due date, the 24th. Annnnd because it is Christmas eve and scheduling things are weird, I am scheduled for an induction on the 21st, because they don't schedule things on the weekend either. I feel a little bit strange about inducing, but I know that my cervix is changing, and chances are I will go into labor before then anyway. So we will be able to be home for Christmas too, which I am very very happy about. Can't wait to meet this little girl! I remember last time with Stella I was a nervous wreck, not knowing what expect, scared of what might happen...this time I am just excited, and calm knowing that whatever happens the main thing is taking home a healthy baby, (oh and healthy mom).

And my dad and my sister will be here for Christmas I am happy about that, my whole family together.

oh lordy, I guess it's been a while.

I haven't even been reading my friends page, so I am behind on that as well, so sorry.

Pregnancy: Good! very very good. The honset truth, I'm not a great pregnant woman, I complain, there always seems to be something little bothering me, and I am lowgrade cranky most of the time. But overall I am having a much better time than with Stella. I have more energy, better frame of mind, not nearly so neurotic or fretful.

Stella: What can I say, she is two. I realize that overall she's a great little girl, I've been around some rotten ones. But my god she is difficult right now. Everything seemes to be fight, or a reason for a meltdown. We have been averging about 2-3 time-outs per week, seems like a lot. And she is gotten real picky about what she eats, I hope it's just part of this phase, since she has been such a good eater so far. I mean the last thing I need is another reason to be neurotic about something. I think I need to be the one to relax a litle bit. I just don't want her to be one of those kids who only eats mac n' cheese or chicken fingers.

Winter seems so far away...

A little update, cause I haven't in a while.

-My birthday was AWESOME. Prolly the best I've ever had. Steve utterly surprised me and took me to spend the night in a super swanky lux botique hotel downtown, new place called The Ivy, www.ivyhotel.com We had the Delux suite and it was heavenly. Wonderful dinner, Kobe beef for the first time, which I am not fond of, too rich; and this amazing baked fig tart with goat cheese ice cream. The goat cheese ice cream was just amazing, so delicious. Then on saturday, a small group of freind went to my favorite restaurant of the moment, The Pomogranate, a Russian/Gerorgian place on El Cajon blvd. It is a really small place, and the owner sits at a table at the back, drinking samovar tea, and will shout out funny things to the crowd. He got the whole restaurant to sing me happy birthday.

-Stella's birthday, too, was so much fun. She had a Dora jumper and we couldn't get her out of it. There is video on her website. I think she started to have an inkling that it was a day all about her, and she enjoyed that. It was so much fun to watch her. The wether was perfect, the people were in great moods, everyone had a blast I think.

-I am going to Michigan to visit my grandmother next week, with Stella. Just her and I. I am nervous about flying with her by myself, but I think it will be fun. Everytime I forced by circumstance to depend completly on myself in caring for her, I get a little more confidant in my mothering ablities.

-After Michigan, is Denver, for Steve's new nephews babtism. While there with the whole family, we will head to one of those free-standing ultrasound places to find out the sex of the baby. Looking forward to that. I am almost certain it is a boy. I will be utterly floored if it isn't. Not that I care, it just feels like a boy. I am so much sicker, have way different cravings, my energy is totally different than with Stella. I am STILL getting sick. Not as bad, but still. Overall, I have to say, I am enjoying it this time around more. Anytime I start to get antsy, I remind myself, I will never go through this again (pregnancy), to enjoy it while I can.

...the way I feel right now is complicated, and I really need to deal with it, like process through it. I got an alumni newsletter from CES in Krakow, where I got my masters from. Lots of people (most I don't know, some I do) have the same degree I do, and some of them seem to be doing interesting/worthwhile jobs with said degree.

I am not, I am a mother/housewife and everytime I have to put SAHM (stay at home mom) on a form I cringe. Most times I cry a little bit.

Things to consider:
-I am pregnant=hormonal=prone to melencholy thoughts and outlook
-I am much older than most of the people I studied with. By the time I was done, I was badly burnt out on many levals and needed quiet and stability.
-Right now is just one chapter, my stay at home and have kids chapter. There is no reason I can't do something else, later.
-I love, with all my heart, my husband, my daughter, and plankton in the belly, and would not trade having them for anything.
-The life I have, while not what I expected, is a very good and happy life.

And in that last point is the crux of the matter. Not what I expected. This life I have is a utter and staggering surprise, completly unexpected. Not unwanted, unexpected. I'm just not sure how to reconcile old single, nomadic, partyer, intllectual, activist expectations with my current satus quo. As a matter of fact I just can't. I've been trying ever since 'pregnant' showed up on the test stick almost 3 years ago in a hawwai hotel room, three weeks after getting married. I haven't reconciled shit. I have shut myself down, and am in a holding pattern, and some days like today, I don't even know who I am anymore. And tomorrow is my birthday. It is terrifying to think and even more scary to voice out loud, but did I make a mistake?

It's kina long so...( Read more... )